Re-traditioning: When Family Traditions Change

Ground Control to Santa Claus

2008-12-22T23:21:00.000-08:00

Google sends readers to this blog, and when it does, I can't tell who came unless that reader leaves a comment. But often I can tell what made Google suggest starting here. Mostly, it's simply "changing traditions" or "holiday traditions change divorce." Typical cryptic Google key word strings.

Sometimes, though, the Google query reads like a prayer -- a question fully-developed, verbs and all, thrown to the Internet universe. It's as if someone locked him or herself in the bathroom with a laptop, mid-family argument:

"Should I change my traditions in our house to please other family members that are not living with us?"

OR

"I had accepted an invitation to spend Christmas with my family and then my husband changes the plan to have Christmas with his family. "

When that happens, I wish that person had stayed on the blog longer, maybe posted a comment, started a conversation. I think we'd be surprised how many of us can relate to a particular situation in some way or another. Perhaps offer a perspective.

This year, I knew we had to re-tradition Thanksgiving because we couldn't travel. I focused early, got organized, and the results were fun. But apparently NOT fun enough for a replay on Christmas morning. Everyone but me seems to want to stay at home on Christmas Day. Just the five of us -- and the televisions, the computers and Comcast.

Normally, we'd be doing that with extended family, guaranteeing conversation. Down time between brunch and dinner, with maybe walking the dog thrown in. But not this year.

My parents and sister, who have spent Christmas with us for well over a decade, aren't traveling either. They'll be in Maryland, at home, Christmas morning. My husband and I and our sons will be 3000 miles away, at home in California. This year, we're getting together in February.

Christmas morning hugs will now be emailed greetings, cell phone moments and gift card notes on packages delivered earlier by the mailman.

Call it the Holiday Decision Ripple -- my parents' decision to re-tradition is forcing change on us, too. Just like my decision in 1987 to start celebrating Thanksgiving with Aunt Caroline and Uncle Harold instead of flying home to Maryland caused my parents and siblings to take my plate off the dining room table.

I've been in denial for weeks, which explains why I only mailed their Christmas gifts today -- banking on the 2 of the 2-3 day Priority Mail. The box included a jigsaw puzzle we would normally do together, two or three of us at a time, on a table in the back of the family room, while others watched a movie or just talked. My Dad and I determined to finish it, even once the boys lost interest.

Years past, Christmas officially began when their rental car pulled up in front of our house. Now I'm not sure when to ring the bell.

So, here's my question for the Universe: "How do we fill the gap?"

Not Everybody Eats Pie

2008-11-29T15:09:00.000-08:00

_{Editor's Note: This is the short version, originally posted on 93words -- expanded posts will soon post here.}

Our New Thanksgiving, bookended by gospel music...

and trade show magic...

...produced sights, sounds and impressions -- family story fodder.

The Auto Show? 3 boys PLUS Dad. Mom with new camera. Oddly perfect.

Biggest "re-traditioning" lesson? Not everybody eats pie.

At least, not in the traditional holiday-at-home way. True in the suburbs, it's easiest to verify in the city.

People were everywhere -- playing, eating, volunteering, working. Perhaps, for some, a Thanksgiving time-out. So what. At that moment they were cast in San Francisco's Thanksgiving scene. So were we.

Expect repeat performances.

2 Days to a New Thanksgiving

2008-11-25T23:48:00.001-08:00

Turkey Surprise is no longer a Friday leftover.
While I've been focused on New, my husband has been studying the Thanksgiving Safeway brochure the way students scour Cliff Notes.

TIP C -- Foil mittens.

Planned, prepped, and even roasted -- we're ready for our first New Old-Fashioned Thanksgiving

Thursday: Serve turkey at Glide Memorial followed by a family walk through the Tommy's Joynt food line and a SF afternoon.

Tonight: Man vs. turkey.

Tomorrow: Dinner in the dining room with everyday dishes when Campo's gym lights go out, somewhere around 9:30 p.m.

Life lessons? Many.

3 Days to a new Thanksgiving -- making lists

2008-11-24T01:15:00.000-08:00

Just started a to-do list: Plan Thanksgiving.

I've been doing lots of thinking, and a little asking around, but basically after I nailed down the "help serve a meal" activity, I pushed the whole thing aside, except to tell my husband in as nice a way as a Thanksgiving Lady Grinch can, that I was unwilling to start any tradition that involved me planning, cleaning and cooking for hours if not days while the men in my life, which is basically the rest of my entire family with exception of Mocha Cat, await a dinner bell and second servings.

Wouldn't it be nicer, I suggested, if we could start a tradition that could continue once the kids go off to college which (GASP!) is less than 2 years from now for our oldest. Something we could do when it's just the two of us, if ever. Go on an outing, maybe.

"They'll probably still come home for Thanksgiving then," he said. But he did give the knowing nod.

Then my husband launched a discussion about some brochure that's been floating around the office about "how to prepare thanksgiving in 2 hours," reminding me of the weeks after we first moved to Northern California from Manhattan Beach -- on the 8th day of the school year. It had been a quick move, done even faster to protect a spot in the local kindergarten class. Think witness protection but we got to keep our names.

My husband was busy starting his new job. Five of us were living in a 2-bedroom corporate apartment 8 miles from my sons' new elementary school while we waited to take possession of our new house. We didn't recognize any faces in the school yard, much less knew anyone well enough to swap play dates. A 180 degree switch from the old neighborhood where my mother network blossomed.

We were probably on time to school 5 times in the first 14 days. Laundry was three floors down and required massive numbers of quarters. Did I mention the kids were 3, 5 and 7? One day I just broke down -- this move would work, I told my husband. But right now everything was harder, he needed to try to help more.

I was hoping he might start making lunches before work.

The next morning, what I found was fresh brewed coffee. A whole pot. Never mind that I'd been trying to cut back on caffeine. It was as if to say, "You have so much to do... let me pump you up so you can get everything done a little faster."

This morning I realized that, if we were doing our usual Thanksgiving tradition, I would have woken up in Room 27, Sea Sprite Motel and Apartments, in Hermosa Beach, to the gentle sound of waves mixed with the soft shoe-sole-to-strand patter of early morning joggers. Life off-season on the beach is quiet and slow and easy, filled with long afternoons on the porch overlooking the ocean, and punctuated by hard food decisions like, "Do you want to order Pizza from Scottie's?"

Meanwhile, my husband seems to have gone into action. Perhaps he's noticed the lack of harvest decorations, cookbooks and silver laid out to be polished. He stopped at Safeway on the way home from work the other night and called me from the meat aisle. "Do you think we should buy a Turkey?"

Thanksgiving newbies, the two of us.

When he got home, his bag was filled with string beans, raw sweet potatoes and little marshmallows. I took a closer look at his brochure. It's 2-hour Turkey. Not a 2-hour Thanksgiving. What about the sides?

I can see where this is going if I don't get to work.

So much to do. So little time. Now my list has two things on it.

(1) Brew coffee

(2) Plan Thanksgiving

Ahhhhh.... Needed!

2008-11-03T12:43:00.000-08:00

Reason #839 why you should never give up when it's something important! The weekend volunteer sign-up frustration was really just a tech glitch. Lucky that I sucked it up and dialed Glide Memorial today to see why I was such a Loser Volunteer. Honestly, you couldn't help but feel bad for Shirley Cherry, Glide's Volunteer Resource Program Administrator. She sounded a bit tired when I spoke to her this morning. She didn't know what happened, she said. "It was working Friday."

When I talked to Shirley, she was still working on the problem but promised to send an email when the the situation un-glitched. And she did. (Thanks!)

Hello,

GLIDE has been experiencing technical difficulties with our Volunteer website. It has been corrected.
Please go on-line to schedule your holiday volunteering with GLIDE.

Thank You!

GLIDE Foundation
Volunteering Office

So now our family has signed up to volunteer. We've even received our confirming emails! Ahhhhhh... Thanksgiving Volunteer Sign-up -- mission accomplished. Now we're looking forward to starting our Thanksgiving morning at Glide, helping serve food to others.

After that .... I guess we need to do a little work on that. Compared to this volunteer sign-up hurdle, though, I've got to believe that will be easy.

Are you looking to volunteer in San Francisco this holiday season? Our family brought the number of volunteers shifts in the 10:30 a.m. slot on Thanksgiving from 111 to 106. But as I write this, there's still space in that and lots of other shifts. But hurry. Shirley Cherry says they do fill quickly -- just not as quickly as it seemed Saturday morning.

Our Wants v. Real Needs -- Volunteer Blues

2008-11-01T14:09:00.001-07:00

I have been trying for weeks to find a Thanksgiving outreach opportunity for our family, and it's getting hard not to feel like a complete loser.

A quick web search came up with very little on-Thanksgiving Day options, with those that looked appropriate already fully-staffed, e.g. they already had the 8 volunteers they figured would do the job.

But I'd asked around and had my sights on San Francisco's Glide Memorial which has an extensive holiday outreach. Literally -- hundreds of shift slots. The website was organized -- but outlined how the jobs would be listed in detail and appropriate sign-ups could begin on November 1st. I then called Glide last week to confirm that signing up early was critical.

So I did what any determined-to-get-a-slot volunteer would do. I checked the website about 12:30 a.m. Yes -- shortly after midnight. The job listings were up. There was even a form to volunteer. So, feeling a bit smug, I put my information in and hit the VOLUNTEER button.
Back popped an error message, something in computer ease talking about line 172 and a backslash. But I pushed forth anyway, ultimately signing up all five family members, each of which got the error message. Then I emailed the Volunteer contact and described what I had done, just in case it took.

I got up at 6 a.m. and did the same thing. Ditto at 7:30 a.m. or so. By 8 a.m. I'd left a message at the info line, just asking if the computer program was having issues.

But then, disaster.

When I checked a forth time at 9:13 --- all the Thanksgiving Day volunteer shift slots were filled. Gone. Like all the seats to much anticipated rock concert. Plus, all the Xmas-related ones, too.

Under each heading, there was a "no shifts available" notice. Store closed. As if to say, nice try. But we don't need you.

Move along.

Loser.

So, I sent another email asking what I had done wrong. I'll let you know what I hear. If nothing else, I'd like to know what to do better next year. Perhaps those close to the situation -- read "have volunteered every year and know that the lines open at 9am even if the website is silent on the issue" -- had an inside track. And deservedly so.

Regardless, the truth is this: Glide's responsibility is to help the needy, not to build would-be volunteer self-esteem. They are generous by dividing their needs into shareable slots.

Still... this whole find-a-way-to-volunteer failure is beginning to feel a little desperate. Like we're Volunteer Losers with no dates to the dance, and not even a prospect of going with the next door nieghbor's second cousin. Twice removed.

It's as if we should post our own volunteers-needed sign, drum up some business.

Help Wanted: Volunteers to pretend to NEED US

Perhaps we should just be happy that either there are so few who need or so many willing to help. Take your pick.

But word to the wise -- if someone is asking for ideas for spending some or all of Thanksgiving, easy on the servings of "Volunteer at a foodback" or "Serve homeless people dinners." It's probably not very hard to do that on the odd Wednesday morning in June, but on Thanksgiving Day, it's a pretty tall order.

That having been said, I'm still looking... so if you have any specific ideas for Thanksgiving outreach in the San Francisco Bay Area, let me know.

Join the Conversation

2008-10-27T11:51:00.001-07:00

Life changes. So do traditions. Even when we're not ready.

"Re-traditioning" is about finding necessary new traditions.

Everyone tweaks holiday traditions. We find better recipes, include someone new, maybe update linens.

Re-traditioning is about something bigger.

A move, a marriage, a new baby, an aging parent, a divorce, a death, even the sale of Grandma's house can drastically change the kinds of things you do to celebrate a holiday, where you celebrate it, and who celebrate with you.

A woman going through an unexpected divorce told me over the weekend that she's facing the upcoming holidays with concern, a little dread. She's spent the last two decades celebrating holidays with her husband and children. Family dynamics have changed. What now, she wonders. Will she be alone?

Right now, I'm helping my family re-tradition Thanksgiving. I'll be talking about that in the early days of this blog. But that's just one family's re-tradition journey, a story about one particular holiday.

I've re-traditioned before, and I've published a how-to article in The Washington Post. But it's been a while.

Are you re-traditioning? Let us know what's up and how you're handling it. When you find internet resources, let us know. I'll be adding links in the sidebar as I find them, too.

Did you change traditions previously? Share the lessons learned, surprises found.

Maybe you just want to jump in because you know what many of us already know -- one day you'll have to re-tradition, too. Or you might need to help someone forced to make changes.

A man in his 80's just moved 2000 miles to an assisted-living facility in California, near his adult daughters. The daughters assumed their father would meld into their combined Thanksgiving. Guess what? Dad wants to do something at his new place, too. What and how? He hasn't figured that out yet. But he's working on it. And so are his daughters.

Traditions are important. It doesn't matter if they're Thanksgiving and Christmas family traditions, or about birthdays or any other important day. They're your way of doing things.

Don't just lurk -- tell us you're out there.

Join the conversation. I created this blog for all of us.

Re-traditioning: 31 Days to a new Thanksgiving

2008-10-27T11:48:00.000-07:00

There are probably 739 reasons why we’ve held tightly to celebrating Thanksgiving at Aunt Caroline’s house in Southern California, my Thanksgiving tradition since 1986.

Yet this tradition that survived marriage, children, even our relocation to the Bay Area in 1999, proved no match for high school sports. Already, we’ve celebrated two Thanksgivings without our oldest son.

This year? No family road trip.

We’re re-traditioning.

Think re-decorating, only we’re considering Thanksgiving alternatives, everything from recipes to community service.

Having shaken the Thanksgiving Etch-a-Sketch clear, we've got 31 days to make a new picture.

Your ideas?

_{Editor's note: You'll also find this post today on 93words. But I'll continue further discussion about my family's re-traditioning journey here, on the Re-traditioning Blog, including adding resource links in the sidebar.}

5 Steps to New Holiday Traditions

2008-10-25T21:19:00.001-07:00

Do-it-yourself Traditions
by Robin Schoettler Fox
First published: The Washington Post, 11/5/2002

In 1995 Lisa Stewart moved to Washington and enrolled at Howard University. Right away, she wanted to put down roots.

"I just decided, I'm making a new life and I'm going to have to spend a Thanksgiving and a Christmas [here] to make it home," Stewart recalls.

That year, Stewart began to "re-tradition," a different way to think about how we create customs.

Everyone tweaks holiday traditions, adding sweet potato pie to the menu one year or switching from color lights to icicles the next. But what happens when lifestyles change?

Moving to a new city is just one event that can force wholesale changes in traditions. A marriage, a new baby, an aging parent, a divorce, a death, even the sale of Grandma's house, can change the kinds of things you do to celebrate a holiday, where you celebrate it and who celebrates with you. But that doesn't mean you have to go without traditions.

"We are in such a rapid rate of change around the world, traditions are our anchor," says Karen Soltes, a social worker with a private practice in Bethesda. "We have to create something that feels solid and predictable. That is what traditions do."

On the surface, re-traditioning is like redecorating except instead of a lamp and a rug, you look for new ways to celebrate the holidays. But re-traditioning has a downside that decorating doesn't: If you don't do it, and you need to, you might face the holidays with more than an empty calendar.

"You can end up sad and lonely, angry or worried," warns Peter A. Wish, a Sarasota, Fla., psychologist and co-author of "Don't Stop at Green Lights: Every Woman's Guide to Taking Charge of Her Life and Fulfilling Her Dreams."

Re-traditioning takes five steps:

Step 1: See the Need

"Acknowledge the change [in your life], how it's affecting you, the feelings you're having about it, and deal with the ramifications," says Ronald G. Nathan, a Guilderland, N.Y., psychologist and co-author of "Stress Management: A Comprehensive Guide to Wellness."

That means letting some traditions go. When you do, you make room for new ones. You'll find these new ways to celebrate the holidays in your community; others you can create for yourself.

The most popular do-it-yourself option is the "orphan" celebration. You "adopt" people without holiday plans and they adopt you. That's how Annandale resident Dick Shea, a retired Navy captain, and his wife, Mary, celebrated holidays when he was stationed overseas. They hosted potlucks for others who couldn't be with family.

"We wanted to fill the house with people because we were far from home," says Mary Shea.

Step 2: Make a Plan

Think about what's worked for you in the past and what hasn't. Generalities are fine. Specifics are better.

"Write down what you like to do for fun -- generally and within the holiday," says Wish.

Maybe it's being with people, exploring new things, spending time outdoors or helping others.

Ask yourself questions. Do you enjoy casual events or more organized ones? If music is important, do you like to listen or sing along? Are you looking for something spiritual? Do you want to be around children?

If you have immediate family, talk with them. And not just with your spouse -- traditions are important to kids, too.

In short, take a personal inventory and then, if appropriate, a family one. If not with paper and pen, then at least think about it or bring it up at the dinner table.

Step 3: Take Action

Now that you have a plan, look for choices that fit your general criteria. Ideas are everywhere. Read newspapers and local magazines. Surf the Internet. Study community calendars. Check out the bulletin board at the public library.

Be flexible. When it comes to family celebrations like Thanksgiving, Hanukah, Kwanzaa or Christmas, don't just think about the "big" days. Look for ways to celebrate throughout the holiday season. Not all traditions have to include everyone. Even if you have a family, look for things you might enjoy with a friend or by yourself.

Contact local churches and synagogues. Think beyond your own religion.

Several organizations have holiday programs open to the public. The Smithsonian definitely does. So do colleges and high schools. A lot of them are free or inexpensive.

The best ideas, though, can come from friends, neighbors and even work associates. What do they like to do during the holidays? What are their favorite traditions? Did they try something new last year?

"All of this involves some risk," admits Nathan.

No one wants to feel rejected or appear lonely. The key is how and when you ask your questions. Try saying, "What do you like to do?" rather than "What should I do?"

And start asking people soon. The earlier the better. If you ask someone the Wednesday afternoon before Thanksgiving about Thanksgiving Day, it can feel like you're fishing for an invitation. If instead, on that same Wednesday, you ask about December traditions, you're just making holiday conversation.

If you do get an invitation, say yes when you can. You'll enrich your host's holidays as much as your own.

No matter what, know you have options. Even if you wake up on a "big holiday" with nothing planned, you can find a religious service, go to the movies or walk a park trail. The Smithsonian's museums and zoo are closed on Christmas, but most are open every other day of the year, including Thanksgiving.

"There is always something to connect you to your community," Wish says.

When Lisa Stewart re-traditioned in 1995, she made community service a holiday priority. She contacted Greater DC Cares, the area's largest volunteer coordinator. They got her involved right away. Outreach has been her Thanksgiving tradition ever since. And now it's her career.

She is volunteer relations coordinator for Greater DC Cares. She says the organization always needs more volunteers. And not just adults. Families work, too.

That brings us back to the people who celebrated the holidays with you in the past.

Step 4: Communicate

You don't re-tradition in a vacuum. No matter how you decide to celebrate your holidays, consider the ripple effect. The changes you make may have an unexpected, and sometimes unwelcome, impact on others.

When District resident Allen Lear and his wife had a baby, they didn't want to choose between their families. Instead, they celebrated Thanksgiving with friends in Charlottesville, a tradition that has lasted decades.

The Lears' tradition of celebrating Christmas in the District lasted a long time, too. All the way down to the special corner in the house where they put the tree. Even when their children moved away, everyone came home for the holidays.

But things have changed. Two years ago the Lears moved from the District to Montgomery County. Last June, their oldest son got married. This Christmas, he's not coming home.

"His wife has a family of her own -- what's up with that?" Lear says with a laugh.

There's no question, establishing your own holiday traditions is a natural progression. Minimize hurt feelings with good communication. When you make plans, figure out who needs to know about them. Ask yourself, "Who's going to be affected by this?"

"Go ahead and do what you have to -- openly, honestly and with sensitivity," advises Wish. "Then you've done your part."

That only sounds easy.

"Sometimes you just have to draw the line," Wish says.

But draw that line early. Your decisions may force others to re- tradition, too.

Step 5: Pick Your Traditions

Re-traditioning takes time. The new ways you celebrate the holidays this year are not traditions yet; they are different things you are trying.

Choose the ones you like and do them again and again. When you do, they become your traditions. Next year, plan to celebrate the holidays with the "keepers" and build from there.

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Re-traditioning: The First Newspaper Column

2008-10-25T21:18:00.001-07:00

_{Editor's note: I first coined "re-traditioning" to mean the family-tradition second cousin to "redecorating" in 2001, when I talked about my family's move to Northern California in a regular newspaper column I wrote at the time for The Contra Costa Sun (Lafayette, CA):}

Re-traditioning: When Traditions Have to Change
by Robin Schoettler Fox
First published: The Contra Costa Sun, 11/21/01

When we moved from Southern California to Lafayette two years ago, there wasn’t enough room in the United Van Lines truck for everything we wanted to take with us. We had to leave some of our Thanksgiving and Christmas traditions behind.

Sure, the packers boxed ornaments, felt stockings, and twinkle lights. They wrapped Christmas tree shaped candleholders in newsprint and folded red linens into cardboard containers. They even packed my mother’s sweet potato pie recipe.

But the movers had to draw the line somewhere. And they did – right at the front door to Aunt Caroline’s house in Huntington Harbor, the place where I’d celebrated 12 Thanksgivings since my move to Southern California in 1986.

No matter how hard we pushed and pulled, we couldn’t get Aunt Caroline’s house up the ramp and onto the truck. Nor would her deck, where we shivered each December as the holiday boat parade floated by, budge.

The packers didn’t have a crate big enough to hold all those people on the Manhattan Beach Strand singing, “It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas.” Ditto for the fireworks that followed the final chorus of “O Come, All Ye Faithful.”

The corporate relocation package didn’t even cover our Santa. Sitting in a sleigh perched on a trailed hitched to a truck, this Santa (sponsored by the local Chamber of Commerce) and his police escort cruise Manhattan Beach neighborhoods, stopping wherever the elves spot kids waiting to trade wishes for mini-candy canes.

I didn’t even tell our United Van Lines service rep about the annual 33rd Street caroling party. By then, I knew what she would say.

The movers loaded the truck and headed north. One week later, on a Friday in mid-November, they carried box after box into our house in Burton Valley.

That year, for the first time in my life, I was in charge of Thanksgiving dinner. Let me just say that, as easy as it is cook a turkey breast, it’s just as easy to undercook one. Staring at the mashed potatoes, stuffing, and steamed broccoli on my plate, I thought about the weeks ahead.

Forget that the house lacked curtains and rugs. Who cared that the family room had no couch? Priority one was to re-tradition, not redecorate. We needed new activities that might, in time, become family traditions.

That first December, it was the children’s Christmas choir and pageant at St. Monica’s in Moraga.

Last year, my friend Lorraine and I organized a cul-de-sac caroling night. Long on enthusiasm and short on singers, we confidently called it the “first annual” and declared it a building year.

And, on the first Sunday in December, our family gathered with more than 400 people in the Diablo Foods parking lot for the Community Holiday Music and Tree Lighting. Stanley Middle School musicians, the Big Band of Rossmoor, and other local music makers performed holiday tunes. Then, someone handed out song sheets.

Sitting on the asphalt parking lot under the glow of one of the bands’ heat lamps, my youngest son snoozing in my lap, I smiled as I sang. It was beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

Okay, so there weren’t any fireworks bursting over the Pacific Ocean. The music sounded great, the Bickerstaff tree looked festive, and there was plenty of free hot chocolate.

Best of all, someone announced that it was the first-ever Community Holiday Music and Tree Lighting.

Right away, I knew – my family wasn’t the only one doing a little re-traditioning. At the very least, each of those people in the parking lot that night was making room for one new way to celebrate the holiday season.

This year, my family is continuing our Lamorinda holiday traditions. All three of my sons will have parts in St. Monica’s Christmas pageant. Lorraine and I are recruiting more singers for the caroling night. And I’ve marked my calendar for Dec. 2, the night of the second annual Community Holiday Music and Tree Lighting.

Plus, I’m still looking for more traditions-to-be. If you have any ideas, let me know. Don’t bother with tips for cooking the Thanksgiving turkey, though. Aunt Carolina is in charge of the bird this year. My job is to pack, load the family into the station wagon, and head south.

It’s a new twist on an old Thanksgiving tradition.

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